im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
