I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
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