Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
