Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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