I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.