Soap is not a condiment
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE