You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
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i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
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I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.