My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
