His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
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note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
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I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.