**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.