My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
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I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I came so hard my ears popped.