trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.