There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
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she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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