I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
