I showed him my bush... on skype.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
