whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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