we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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