It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Randomize
