I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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