you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
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Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
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I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?