We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
