Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
