The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
