I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
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When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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