I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
