the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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