a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
