I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
