it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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