She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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