my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
