if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize