I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
