Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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