i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
