She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
