Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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