I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?