i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
