umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
