i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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