My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am midnight drunk by noon
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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