The maid of honor just puked.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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