You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
