you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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