I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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