don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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