just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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