I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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