mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
