those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
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Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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