Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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