i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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