nut hugger
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You are the jesus of drinking
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
