I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
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She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you made out with another girl for some wings
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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