if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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